I’ve seen far too many one sided arguments, 2 people, one of them speaks, the other one drifts off into the land of nod-ding at the right moments. The speaker thinks that speaking for a long period of time is a good way to get what he/she means across and the would-be listener thinks that the speaker will be satisfied if they get to heat the air around them a while. The speaker will of course discover that he/she is not getting through and his/her resolve will be weakened, the relationship will suffer and everything on which the relationship is based will suffer.

The solution is simple, when you are trying to convince someone of something, you must get feedback, constantly.Its so simple and yet completely unnatural. Instead of explaining your point as you understand it you must bring the other person to an understanding at their pace and in their way. This requires the ability to focus and maintain the focus on someone else, something I personally find very difficult. The simplest way to do this is ask leading questions.

Overly simple example: someone suggests going out in the rain in their slippers, instead of saying “That won’t work, you’ll get your feet wet”, you say “Do you think they will hold up against the rain water?”

The difference is very simple, people are much less defensive when you ask them a question, it makes you seem more reasonable, it shows them you are interested in their increased understanding rather in just their use as a target for preaching your own particular way of thinking. This is more effective when dealing with more complex arguments, and they really come into their own when someone is beign irrational.  Someone can believe two completly contradictory things, most often when heavy emotions are involved, they become locked in a belief because of the fear they have of a few of the alternatives they suspect to be more valid. People facing this kind of dilema are more likely to be defensive and sometimes even aggressive in defense of their beliefs/viewpoint because they feel that they have their backs to a cliff edge. If they don’t defend themselves fiercly they will lose the beleif they have become comfortable with and their opinion of their own intelligence will drop.

Figuring out the question to ask is very difficult, but that’s ok you should have the time to come up with the next one while you listen to them talking. The reason you are listening when you are the one with something to say is because you aren’t telling the time, you are trying to figure out where they are so you can bring them to where you think they should be (similar to fixing machinery).

Remember to be flexible with your beliefs while you do this, you are about to learn a lot about the way someone else thinks.

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